People all over the world are in a panic, because the Mayan calendar has predicted that the world will end on Friday, December 21, 2012. I read today that folks are flocking to a small town in France to seek shelter. Many believe that the upside down mountain, which is the backdrop of the town, is key to their survival. Smart. But, just by chance that any of you don’t have the time or money to travel to France before Friday, my wife and I have opened our apartment to those who wish to survive the end times. Below are the different ways, which the world might end, and the reasons why our apartment is the best place to be when it all goes down.
The Rapture: There are plenty who believe that the world will end by divine hands– that those in the favor of the great deity will be whisked away to the Heavens, leaving behind the sinners, who will be ravished and burned to ash on Earth. If you are worried about this, come hide out at our apartment! It is a certified holy area. We have sacrificed tons of virgins and animals as a sign of respect. So, when the Rapture comes, Zeus will save everyone under our roof. We know that it’s a risky proposition betting on the existence of Zeus, but what can we say? We have a hunch. Of course, our neighbors, who believe that Jesus will show himself instead, have ridiculed us to no end. To that we say, okay. If you’re right, be kind to your neighbor, love your neighbor, and help us hide the bodies of the virgins we mur- sacrificed.
The Zombie Apocalypse: There are those of you who hope that the zombie end times will finally happen on Friday. Most of you are The Walking Dead fans. There are those of you who will be terrified if this nerd-prophecy comes to past. Most of you are the significant others of The Walking Dead fans, who have been forced to watch hours of gruesome television, while your own personal nerd ruthlessly scolds you for believing that zombies only eat brains. For you poor souls, we have a place for you at our apartment. We have thought about the whole zombie thing for a while, now. Chainsaws, guns and cricket bats are not practical. They’ll eventually break or run out. We need to be our own weapons. So, we have acquired radioactive spiders, and have allowed them to bite us. If we can obtain the agility, strength and box office appeal of a spider, we may have a chance to survive. Unfortunately, things did not start off well. My Uncle Ben was the first one exposed to the radioactive spiders, and he died soon after. But we chalked it up to the plot points of origin stories and continued on with our plan. We let ourselves get bitten. We are happy to report that we now possess the strength to fight off invading zombies. Although, is that a zombie I see in our mirror? Or is that cancer?
The Alien Invasion: Our apartment is Alien proof in every way possible. We’re not sure how, but we know this to be fact. Aliens, wherever they may be, have had every chance imaginable to attack our place. Yet, they never have. To test this, we have left our windows open, our doors unlocked and we even knocked ourselves out with chloroform. Our home has been burglarized every other day, my wife kidnapped and I’ve been shot. Five times. But never any aliens. We can only assume that our apartment is completely undetectable by advanced alien technology. Of course.
The Rogue Planet: We know that those great deceivers over at NASA would have us believe that there is no rogue planet, which threatens to collide with us on December 21. They say that we would be able to see the planet coming by now. This is absurd! Why would a planet out to get us let us see it coming? Why would it give us time to escape to this “moon” NASA is so hell-bent on selling us? We know the truth. We know that an enemy is moving through the blackness of space like some space-ninja. We know that Pluto is coming. But don’t worry. Come seek shelter in our apartment. We have taken control of a weapon that the government has used against us for far too long: Chemtrails. We have harnessed their power to form a chemtrail force field around our place to block the pew pew pews of Pluto’s laser fire. Of course, none of this would matter if Neil Degrasse Tyson had not demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet in the first place. We all know they don’t like to be called that.
Mayans Rising: The Mayan calendar may have warned us of this most recent Armageddon, but it left out one key detail about by whose hand the world will end: the Mayans themselves. They have returned! We were at the grocery store the other day, and we struck up a conversation with a stranger, who had parked next to us in the lot. We aren’t very good conversationalists, so we started off with our go to question to break the ice with mysteriously tan people: “What are you?” The strangers’ face contorted into a fit of anger, and he replied, “Mayan.” Naturally, we immediately high-tailed it out of there for we all know that the Mayans died out long ago. So, we hid at our apartment. The Mayan specter followed us, and since we don’t lock our doors or windows, he (it?) walked right in. He held out his hand to show us a couple cans of corn we accidentally dropped in the parking lot. What did this mean? We didn’t know! This must have been a message from beyond the grave of the extinct Mayan people. Needless to say, we would not accept the corn, and, Brad- I think he said that was his name- stormed out of our apartment, while muttering something about never using his frequent flyer miles to visit America, again. He never returned to our doorstep. Somehow, somehow we defeated him. So, if the extinct Mayan people rise from their graves to conquer the world of the living, just come to us, and we can protect you. Just remember: Don’t take the corn!
If all of else fails, the secret to surviving December 21, 2012, or at least the plot of J. J. Abram’s 3rd Stark Trek movie, can be found in our manger scene:
Good Luck. And may Zeus choose you.