Philadelphia’s Tickle Epidemic

Philadelphia has been, for a long time now, known as a city of great violence- shootings, stabbings, murders, and now, the city is suffering from men who tickle their women too much.

“My husband just doesn’t know when to stop…” cried one shaken woman in her home.

“I’m her neighbor,” explained Jillian Cuthbert, her arm wrapped around the crying woman’s shoulders. “I’ve been staying here in case he comes back. I’ve left her side only once. To feed my dog? Check on my baby? No. To buy a 9.mm in case that @#$@ returns.”

Situations like this are happening all over the city.

“My boyfriend and I were on my couch, and he started to tickle my feet. I told him to stop and even took out an eye. But, he wouldn’t…” recounted Jenifer Hunter. “I had to gnaw off my own feet to escape.”

“When you’re in that much torment, you’ll do anything to get away,” explained Philadelphia’s local tickle expert, Dr. Abbott to our own Melissa Stillman. “All men are born with the unstoppable urge to tickle their women. It’s why some places ban heterosexual marriage.”

“Why does this happen to women?” asked Stillman.

“Allow me to demonstrate.” Dr. Abbott took out a feather. “I’ve been eying up your armpit this whole time.”

Melissa ran off, but the doctor assured, “She won’t get far. I’ve designed this place like a maze. My wife has been trying to escape for 7 years.”

The mayor has been called upon by women to step in and do something about the tickling epidemic.

“I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Mayor Nutter explained. “I tickle my wife all the time. Well, ex-wife. I have tickled my girlfriend for 5 years, though. I’d still do it if the mental institution would let me in to see her. So, now I lure women into my office with the whole ‘I’m the Mayor of Philadelphia’ thing.” He lowered his head. “Still hasn’t worked…”

Dr. Abbott predicts, though, that the tickling attacks will inevitably die off, because of the deadly side effects that tickling evokes from women.

“Most men don’t stop, because the woman is giggling,” he explained. “But giggling is actually the sound women make right before they grab a metal bat and beat their guys to a bloody mess.”

“I’ve had 21 boyfriends since freshman year of high school,” stated Mary Bennett. “They all thought it was cute to tickle my knees. They now live in my wall.”

“Do I condone my daughter’s actions?” her mother asked. “Well, my husband usually handles the discipline of the kids. And you’d have to break open the wall to ask him.”

All Philadelphia hospitals are being over crowded with men who were unfortunate enough to tickle their women.

Moments after we arrived at Thomas Jefferson Hospital, a somber doctor was leaving for the night.

“I lost 57 patients today,” he explained. “The last one tickled his girlfriend, and she in turn tickled him with a chainsaw.”

Will this violent act in Philadelphia ever truly stop?

“To tickle a woman is an urge that never can be removed from men. It’s something we’re born with,” explained Dr. Abbott.

“But it can be successfully dealt with,” stated his wife. “Show them how I just helped you.”

This reporter will never forget the sight of Dr. Abbott’s fingerless hands…

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