Al Gore’s Bloody Thumb

The e-mails of former Vice President Al Gore, an avid fighter against global warming, have recently been hacked into, reveling his secret war waged on obsessive compulsive people, who constantly turn light switches and sink faucets on and off.

“A lot of them have to turn a light on and off 20 times before they leave a room,” Gore explained in one of the e-mails. “Do you realize how harmful that is to the environment? For every 5 times an obsessive compulsive flips a light switch, our clouds dump 10 gallons of battery acid on panda bears.”

Gore sent an e-mail to environmental scientists that listed more hard facts he wanted made public:

“For every 15 times an obsessive compulsive turns his sink on and off, the North Pole melts to half its size, and Santa Clause drowns, while ice fishing.”

A reply message was sent to Gore asking him for proof, to which he wrote back: “I made a movie. You went to science school. Shut the #$%& up, and release the information!”

The former Vice President’s request was denied, so he put together a controversial black ops team to assassinate and contain these “threats to the environment.”

The team consisted of a dolphin, iceberg, and multiple strands of freshly dew-ed grass, all led by Gore himself.

Debriefing e-mails went on to revel the many horrific acts they committed to obsessive compulsive people in the name of the environment:

“We went after one target who couldn’t stop washing his hands. So, I instructed the dolphin to poison his town’s water supply with cyanide. But, that morning, the target fell off his roof, and died, while installing a sun panel. Are we disappointed all the town’s fishes were killed for nothing? No. That means no witnesses.” Gore then finished with: “R.I.P Dolphin:( Forgot you had to be in the water to poison it.”

Another e-mail released details of a mission that involved connecting a powerful bomb to a target’s bedroom light switch.

“When she flipped the switch 7 times, the bomb went off,” Gore explained. “The tremendous cloud of pure black smoke that blanketed the clear blue sky really showed our dedication to the environment!”

Not all of the missions went smoothly. The dolphin wasn’t the only one to die on duty.

The blades of grass were killed when their target’s dog ate them, and, as a brutal message to Gore, the grass was recycled out of the animal and onto a nearby park.

“But the mission turned out to be moderately successful, when the dog’s owner was fined $300 for not picking up the grass’s remains,” Gore wrote.

The former Vice President often enjoyed performing the assassinations himself, anyway:

“Nothing pleases me more than strangling a human being to death, so a fruit fly can live its long life of 6 precious hours.”

One brave individual has come out of hiding to publicly speak out against Gore:

“The former Vice President held me captive in a secret prison,” claimed Rufus Fedin. “I held a lily hostage with a Styrofoam cup pressed against its petals to escape. Gore was in tears, and vowed vengeance on my wife and children.”

Since the e-mails were made public, the former Vice President’s sanity has been called into question.

“I’m not crazy,” Gore promised. “If we were to murder 95% of the obsessive compulsive population, global warming would stop. And we should make the other 5% sterile so they can’t repopulate.”

Many obsessive compulsive people are outraged over the e-mails, and have held the most resilient protests ever seen.

“We want justice!” they shout in numerous cities, over and over again, unable to stop, no matter how hard they try.

One obsessive compulsive individual applauds the former Vice President’s efforts, though:

“I turn my lights on and off over 800 times in a single day,” Gale Foley stated, using those lights for Morse code. “I’ve given half my neighborhood seizures. I’m a monster!”

In a massive show of unity, people all over the world have come together, and offered to pay for the medical treatment of obsessive compulsive people, as long as the killings stop.

“Until it is scientifically proven that psychiatry can treat obsessive compulsiveness, I will never cease,” Gore promised.

Prominent doctors have shown the former Vice President statistics that prove the existence of successful psychiatric treatments.

“If it were real, they’d make a movie,” Gore challenged. “Until then, I will move forward with my plan to harvest the blood of the obsessive compulsive population, and use it to replace gasoline as fuel for cars. All in the name of the environment.”

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